Building Resiliency

I often hear parents say, "I can’t stand to see my child unhappy." While this instinct comes from a place of love, if you can't tolerate seeing your child face challenges, parenting might feel more like a personal struggle than a life-shaping role. Life is hard, and if children don’t learn to face discomfort, build confidence, or manage setbacks, how can they ever hope to navigate the bigger challenges ahead?

Think about when a child learns to walk: they fall. And we don't panic or tell them it will ruin their life. Instead, we encourage them to get back up and try again. But at some point, many of us start to feel that it’s our job to shield them from difficulty, to rescue them from failure, and to solve every problem they encounter. When we do this, we unintentionally rob them of invaluable learning opportunities.

At St. James, we embrace the idea that “mistakes are opportunities for learning.” We don’t expect perfection, nor do we expect children to avoid struggle, but we do expect them to reflect, learn, and grow from their experiences. We coach them through these challenges, helping them understand that resilience is built through overcoming obstacles.

So, how can we help our children become more resilient?

1. Support, but don’t solve: Be there for your child without taking over every challenge.
2. Don’t shield them from problems: Avoid stepping in too quickly to prevent difficulties; let them experience and learn from them.
3. Help them manage emotions: Teach your child to identify and cope with their feelings when things don’t go as planned.
4. Encourage persistence: Remind your child that setbacks are not the end—encourage them to try again.
5. Foster self-compassion: Teach your child to be kind to themselves, especially when things don’t go as expected.
6. Focus on the positives: Ask questions like, “What was your ‘yay’ today?” to help them see growth and progress.
7. Teach problem-solving skills: If a peer says or does something unkind, brainstorm with your child about how they might respond next time.

The small lessons we teach today lay the foundation for the future. By allowing our children to face challenges with our support—rather than our rescue—we’re helping them develop the skills they’ll need to thrive throughout their lives.